Talk Dirty To Me
By Taylor Neal
Dirty talking is one of those funny things that many of us can usually access in a silly, joking way, but when it comes to implementing it when we’re actually trying to be sexy, we often have quite a hard time.
In the same way that it is quite common to dislike hearing a recording of our own voice, we struggle to take ourselves seriously when we try to muster up the courage to say those sexy things we have living in our heads, out loud.
Often, when it comes to dirty talking, our biggest fear is sounding silly or saying the wrong thing.
What if I say something weird and end up killing the mood? What if I just sound super cringey? What if they don’t want to be called that?
We can get so caught up in our heads about what the right thing to say is during sex, that we end up focusing more on coming up with the perfect thing to say than we are on what’s actually happening in the moment, in our bodies. Thinking too much about how to sound sexy takes the attention, and energy, away from the pleasure we’re experiencing, and yet what we’re hoping to achieve with dirty talk ultimately, is to enhance the pleasure experience.
Perhaps you’ve found yourself curious about how it would feel to integrate dirty talk into your sex life, or perhaps you’ve had a partner or partners that practice dirty talk during sex with you, and you’ve found yourself wanting to match their energy, or perhaps you’ve been able to access more verbal connection during sex with certain partners but not others. Maybe you’re just hoping to get more comfortable being dirty, or expand your sexy vocabulary.
Wherever you’re at on your dirty talk journey, I’ve put together a gentle guide to support developing comfort and more ease for navigating how to integrate dirty talk in your sex life.
You might roll your eyes at me when you read on to learn that the first step is communication, but hear me out. Stick with me, the juicer things come once we lay down some ground rules!
Have A Non-Dirty Talk
One of the best ways to take a first step toward integrating dirty talk, is to have an open, non-dirty talk with your partner(s) outside of engaging in sex, where you can express interest in moving toward more verbally communicative sex. The best place to start is to get a feel for where they might be at in their relationship to dirty talk, so you can learn how best to move forward together.
Whenever you have a chance to sit down and talk, you can initiate the conversation with a simple inquiry, such as:
“I feel quite safe in our sexual relationship, and I’ve been thinking I’d like to learn how we can express our pleasure more verbally to one another during sex.”
“I love the direction our sexual relationship has been moving, and I wonder if it would feel good to integrate more dirty talk as we move forward?”
“I’d love to learn more about your body and your pleasure. I love when you tell me what feels good for you during sex, do you think we could try being more verbal with one another?”
“I’ve been noticing it really turns me on when you tell me what feels good for you during sex. How do you feel about dirty talk?”
“I’ve been feeling curious about dirty talk recently, what is your relationship to dirty talk?”
“I’m finding I get really turned-on by audio-porn, do you find pleasure in dirty talk?”
Initiating the conversation is definitely the hardest part, so find a time when everyone involved has enough time to sit down and give some energy and space to the conversation. Once you’ve gotten over the hump (no easy task) and found a way that feels relatively approachable to initiate the conversation, some more of the nitty gritty questions can flow more easily between you.
This is a great opportunity to find out things like:
- What their relationship to dirty talk currently looks like
- What dirty talk actually means to them (dirty talk can mean completely different things to all of us, it’s so broad!)
- If they’ve ever practiced dirty talk in previous relationships
- What types of things they like, or don’t like, to hear
- What names they like to be called, if any
- What names they really don’t want to be called
- Any triggers they may have around dirty talk (this can be names, phrases, sounds, any particular words, ways of referring to their body, references, etc)
- What feels empowering for them to hear
- Where they may feel blocks in relation to dirty talk
In starting your journey with an open, honest conversation around where you’re all at in relation to dirty talk, what you’d like to explore, where your triggers and boundaries lay, and where the blocks may be, you can move forward together in a much more informed, constructive way as you continue to seek out comfort with talking dirty.
Also, while on the topic of verbal communication in the bedroom, this is a great time to establish an ongoing safe word.
Listen To Dirty Talk
As mentioned, the term “dirty talk” can mean very different things to everyone, so it can feel like venturing into the wild untamed if you’re brand new to dirty language and want to find your voice.
A great way to learn what types of sexy talk resonate with you, is to listen to Audio Porn.
Again, there is a big wide world of audio porn for every interest, desire, gender, and erotic type out there. If you’ve ever watched porn before, and you are aware of a category of visual porn that works for you, chances are there’s a corresponding genre of audio porn with similar content that you could tap into.
If you’re new to porn all together, it may take some intentional self-study to find a genre that resonates. Take some time to reflect on what turns you on in general, what types of voices, what types of sex, what foreplay looks like to you, and from there set out to explore the many platforms that offer both visual and audio porn, to find what works for you.
If you’re not one for porn in general, reading or listening to erotic stories could be quite useful in your dirty talk journey. There are lots of erotic audiobooks and shorter recorded stories available online for your listening pleasure.
As you listen, take mental and/or physical notes of what works for you, particular phrases, names, words, tones of voice, or anything else that sparks your pleasure. This can help point you in a direction that feels more aligned for your unique sexuality.
Say One Thing
Another way to start slow, is to challenge yourself to say just one thing out loud during sex that falls into whatever your definition of “dirty talk” may be.
This can look like:
“Oh, that feels good.”
“You’re so sexy.”
“Touch me here.”
“Do you like that?”
You can also experiment with calling each other certain names, if during your non-dirty talk this came up as something you’d all be interested in.
Challenging yourself to say one dirty thing rather than jumping right into song can feel like a more approachable way of testing the waters. If it feels good, next time, try two!
While choosing one thing to say might work for some of us, for others it might be more effective to jump right in head first.
In this challenge, try literally saying everything that comes to mind right from the moment any form of sex is on the table. By removing the filter and saying everything throughout the entire session, it might feel silly and weird, but if the goal is to normalize being verbal during sex, this can be a more streamlined way of making all talking feel more accessible, which can then be applied to more dirty chatter.
To get verbal right from the start, you can try:
“Shall we have sex?”
“How do you want to have sex?”
“Where do you want to touch me?”
“How do you want to be touched?”
“How can I bring you more pleasure?”
“What do you want more of?”
See where this leads you, and challenge one another to keep speaking, even if it feels redundant to say “that feels good,” 100 times. Each time you express what’s going on in your body verbally, you’re working to normalize that form of expression.
Dirty Talk Yourself
If you’re not at the point of dirty talking with partners, try incorporating dirty talk in your solo sex life.
This may sound bizarre, talking out loud to yourself, but let’s not pretend you don’t talk aloud to yourself when walking down the street, in the shower, or grocery shopping. It doesn’t have to be any different!
If you know you like to be called a certain name, or be bossed around in bed, then be your own partner and talk that way to yourself.
This can be anything from “how does that feel baby?” to “yeah, you like that you little slut?”
It’s your body, you can talk to you however you want. Once you get more familiar with what works for you during sex with yourself, it may become easier and feel safer to bring this into sex with a partner or partners.
And remember, sex is supposed to be silly and playful, so it’s okay to giggle along the way. Don’t take yourself too seriously, just give it a shot!
Taylor Neal (They/She) is a Canadian multidisciplinary artist, writer, yoga and dance instructor and frontline sexual assault response worker, who uses creation and multimedia to gain deeper understandings of authentic human experience. Practically, Taylor combines their background in dance and performance, their passion for the written word, and their curiosity within contemporary visual art and photography, with their studies in Communications, Art History, Feminist Theory and Design for Theatre at Concordia University, and Fashion Design at RMIT University. Their cumulative artistic, somatic, and literary practice comes together as a holistic exploration of identity, movement, sexuality, and how the embodied subject navigates space and the natural world.
Get to know her work here
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