Aging and Sexuality: How to Reconnect with Your Pleasure at Any Age
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Before 21-year-old me had sex for the first time, my assumption of what it would be like (at least, the first few times, anyway) was shaped by comments I had heard from my non-virgin friends. “Don’t expect much for your first time,” most said. “It’ll probably hurt the first few times, but you’ll eventually start to enjoy it as much as the guy does,” others said. As if those real-life statements weren’t worrisome enough, watching Sex and the City’s iconic sex writer Carrie Bradshaw describe her first time saying, “Half a joint, three thrusts, finito,” didn’t make me feel hopeful.
As a woman, the sex education and general conversations about female sexuality were heavily focused on the male perspective, placing women in a passive role and not taking into account what I may find pleasurable, how to find out for myself, or how to communicate those needs to others. This affected my sexual confidence growing up because I always felt like there weren’t enough resources for me that taught me how to own my body and take charge of my pleasure. For a long time, I didn’t even realize that I was allowed to care about my own pleasure — that it wasn’t something taboo enough to feel guilty or embarrassed about, but a natural and important part of self-connection.
Pleasure In Every Decade
Learning to believe that my pleasure is valid and worth prioritizing has been just as important as knowing how to experience it. Flash forward to today, and 29-year-old me consistently prioritizes my sexual self-discovery in ways that I didn’t when I was younger; and it’s nice to feel like the world around me is (slowly, but surely) catching up with the ideals and values of sex-positivity, especially for adults in the 30+ range.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to understand the power of owning your personal narrative, especially when it comes to your sex life. That realization led me on an unexpected journey to Paris, where I joined a series of pleasure-themed excursions and educational workshops hosted by travel company GetYourGuide and led by renowned French sexologist and life coach, Marie Morice. The experience reminded me that sexual curiosity doesn’t fade as we grow older. It transforms. Many of us spend our late teens and early/mid twenties trying to please others, but as we enter our 30s and beyond, we start asking what we actually want. That’s the beauty of sexual self-discovery in adulthood: it’s not about chasing something new, but about giving ourselves permission to keep evolving, to stay curious, and to see pleasure as a lifelong practice.
Curious about what I learned about sexual self-discovery and how you can tap into that same power? These four practices will help you reclaim your pleasure and reconnect with yourself.
Visit a Sex Store with Your Best Friends
A standout moment from the pleasure class was stepping into Paris’s local sex shops, spaces that sparked curiosity, challenged taboos, and invited open exploration. And sure, as a clinical sexologist and sex writer, I’ve been on plenty of visits to adult stores, but even for a seasoned toy consumer, walking through the endless sections of pleasure products can be an overwhelming experience. Regardless of whether you’ve been going to sex shops since the pre-Fifty Shades of Grey era or this is your first time, it’s usually more fun with trustworthy and open-minded friends, especially when you have similar goals in mind for being there.
Some of the women in the group found it especially worthwhile because it helped them open up about how sex toys positively impacted their menopausal journey, and they aren’t alone. Research conducted by the Kinsey Institute and Womanizer found that 36% of menopausal women experienced reduced symptoms such as vaginal dryness, pain during sex, mood swings, and sleep disturbances through masturbation.
“Toys can be emotionally liberating. They allow women to rediscover desire on their own terms,” Morice said. “For many, especially during or after menopause, sex toys aren’t just tools of pleasure, but tools of autonomy and reconnection.”
Re-explore Your Body
After visiting sex shops, the group was inspired to learn more about our body’s senses through a wine, cheese, and chocolate tasting. We were invited to try the different food and drinks with our eyes closed. Sometimes we were invited to let the chocolate melt in our mouths before eating it. Other times, we were encouraged to smell the wine and guess its flavors before bringing the glass to our lips.And ultimately, we were encouraged to explore the question: “When was the last time you’ve wondered about or actively explored what sensations, touches, or movements you enjoy the most?”
Explore Touch With Our Botanical Body Oil
Even though food and drinks were used as an example, we learned to become mindful and attuned to our senses, and that kind of skill translates to the bedroom. So, next time you think about having a solo session, get creative. Use a blindfold while listening to audio porn to heighten your sense of hearing. Ask your partner to perform a striptease and entice you with each layer of clothing they remove, adding more excitement to your sight. Then make a point to invite in the smells of your partner as they perform the striptease right in front of your face.
Create a Mantra
Thinking of a sex-positive mantra helped us explore our personal agency, reinforcing the idea that we are in control of our pleasure, desires, and boundaries. A mantra that’s deeply stuck with me is something sex educator Grace O’Shea once said: “The best years of your sex life still lie ahead of you,” further explaining that our sex life might look a certain way now, but being open to the possibility of it looking differently in the future is key.
Write about your Deepest Desires in a Journal
Another one of the most eye-opening moments of the pleasure class happened when everyone wrote down their deepest desires, inspired by Morice’s prompt, “What would it look like for you to embrace your own pleasure fully, without apologizing for it? What would your life look like? How would you feel? What actions would you take?”
That was when I realized some of the most fulfilling and orgasmic desires come from going “back to the basics” of sex. When we’re younger, part of what makes sexual experiences enjoyable is the experimentation, playfulness, and lower pressure to perform. We’re okay with making out for 30 minutes just for the sake of making out without the expectation of going further, because why not? We’re okay with grinding and dry humping as a way to explore what feels good to us, because why not? But when we’re older, there’s more pressure to have sex in such a usual, routine way that we lose sight of approaching these experiences curiously or playfully.
Keeping the journaling prompt from the pleasure class in mind, I returned to my hotel later that night to meet up with my international lover, and I remember having one of the strongest, most memorable orgasms of my life because he and I went back to the basics.
He did the “knee thing” on me by positioning his body so that we were lying on our sides while being face to face, and then used his leg to gently grind against my clitoris and outer labia instead of fingering me, applying just enough pressure to get me going.
Part of the reason it felt so good was that he explored my body in a more curious and fun way, rather than using his usual “go-to” method. Needless to say, typical penetrative sex isn’t always necessary to get the job done. Truth be told, it felt even hotter and more intimate to fool around as if we were teenagers again.
A New Chapter in Your Pleasure Story
As we age, our relationship to sex and to ourselves naturally evolves. What once felt like certainty (or confusion) may shift, and long-held beliefs about pleasure, desirability, or intimacy can begin to feel outdated or limiting. That’s why sexual discovery isn’t just for one phase in our lives. It’s a lifelong process of tuning into your needs, desires, and boundaries with a fresh perspective. By re-framing the stories we’ve been told about sex, and rewriting the ones we tell ourselves, we create space for a deeper, more authentic connection to pleasure. Embracing this journey not only leads to a more fulfilling sex life; it also nurtures confidence, agency, and self-love at every age.
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Related Reading
The Intersection of Sexual & Mental Health
Mind the Pleasure Gap: Gender Inequality in the Bedroom
Slow Can Be Sexy: Explore low energy sex positions
3 Menopause Myths & Where They Come From by Corrie Bradley (she/her)
Hormonally Yours: How Your Hormones Change From Puberty to Post Menopause