By: Maya Walsh-Little

When I was learning how to teach sex ed, so much of what I observed had to do with sexual risk prevention. Even when I think back to my own sex education classes, while they weren’t as terrible as some of the horror stories I’ve heard, most of the lessons revolved around explaining all the STIs you could get if you had sex and then expecting we would be prepared for the real world. Whenever those classes ended I was left with more questions, and sometimes fear, than what I came with. Because sex is so much more complicated than preventing STIs -- it involves identity, enjoyment, physical wants, and emotional needs -- the education we receive around sex has to reflect that. And while all people have a right to be educated about the risks involved in any decision, the question becomes

 what comes after that? What happens to pleasure, curiosity, and exploration when we are educated about safety and want to investigate our desire?

 

The truth is that risk is involved with anything we do in life. From something as simple as crossing the street, to being vulnerable in a relationship, to having any type of sex- risk is always present. And with taboo topics that can have risks, but don’t garner significant mainstream education like kink, it’s important to seek out how to explore kink curiosity in an informed and low-risk way if you are a beginner.  

What is kink?

Kink refers to a variety of activities, behaviors, and dynamics that often sit outside of “mainstream” sexual practices. Although kink can be considered alternative, or be surrounded by shameful messaging, exploring kink is valid and normal. In fact as kink is becoming more normalized, many people might not know they have already engaged in kink if they’ve ever used roleplay, dirty talk, or played with dominance and submission during sex. While there is varying evidence, research suggests around 20% - 46.8% of people have engaged in kink behavior.

 

Add Body Oil To Sensual Foreplay Before Diving In

What is low-risk kink?

Being educated about risk is not about inciting fear or attempting to dissuade someone from making a decision, it’s about being able to determine what our sexual values are, how to safely mitigate risks, and make fully informed and consensual decisions. Frameworks such as Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) acknowledge that making decisions around kink may not be risk free, but that being aware of those risks in order to make a decision that is aligned with your sexual desires is essential for safety and pleasure.

Why is it important for beginners to learn about low-risk kink?

Lilithfoxx, board certified sexologist and kink expert, reminds us that building a strong foundation in kink is essential to grow trust within yourself and with a partner. Low risk kink “gives you space to explore power, sensation, and fantasy while reducing the chance of injury or emotional overwhelm… low risk exploration helps you learn what you actually like, what your limits are, and how to recover from scenes in healthy ways.”

 

Educational foreplay to prep your kink experience 

 

Get in touch with your desires

So, you’re interested in kink, but not sure where to start? Welcome! If you’re a beginner, before moving into exploring kink during partnered sex, start within yourself. If you masturbate, what fantasies come up for you? If you read erotica, what scenes are you the most drawn to? And why? As kink can be a big umbrella of behaviors, getting a sense of what you’re curious about can help guide your kink exploration.

Education is everything 

Before trying out anything in the kink world, it’s important to take the time to educate yourself, as partaking in kink behaviors can have both physical and emotional risks, especially when they’re not done correctly or happen without communication. Learning from more experienced kinksters, therapists, mentors, or seeking out educational material can help make sure you’re as confident as possible.

As a starting point for kink education, Lilithfoxx, encourages reading like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book for understanding power exchange dynamics as well as Playing Well with Others for etiquette and safety in kink spaces. For educational demonstrations, sites like Kink Academy and CrashPadSeries’ educational sections can offer more in-depth visual explainers. 

 

What Boundary Setting In Kink Can Teach Us Outside The Bedroom

Safety and consent are non-negotiables 

Consent is obligatory for all sex, and absolutely essential for kink. If you’re a beginner or with a new partner, it’s especially important to communicate about boundaries, desires, and needs before you begin any sort of sexual experience. Certified sex and relationship coach and kink expert, Amanda Dames, says bringing up questions like- “What kind of sensations do you enjoy? What kind of dynamics turn you on?
 What fantasies have you had that you’re curious about exploring?” is a great place to lead with curiosity and get a sense of what you and your partner are interested in exploring. 

Boundary discussions are also essential before starting any kink session. As we can’t always anticipate how we’re going to feel in the moment, safewords- a designated word to signify that any play needs to immediately stop- are used to ensure that play stays wanted and consensual. Amanda recommends the traffic light method “Green for keep going, Yellow for slow down/can we talk about it or Red for stop immediately this play is over until further notice.”

Start slow 

You can always amp up the volume or intensity of different kinks, so it can be important to start slow if you’re trying something new. Giving your body, mind, and a potential partner the opportunity to tell you how a kink feels and if it’s right for you can mean easing into kink play. Kink educator, Emerson Karsh, says “Kink is a marathon, not a sprint. Marathons take a lot of planning, intention, and work. Just like getting into kink. It’s best to start to learn how to run (i.e. how to engage in kink) before trying a marathon (i.e. a scene with a million kink elements).”

Green light to start

Sensory Deprivation

Kink activities like bondage, any form of rope play, or using blindfold can incite pleasure through experiencing anticipation and an increased sensitivity in some certain sensations when others are limited. Emerson says that using a blindfold, even just with a scarf, can be a good entry point to sensory deprivation for those who are not as familiar with kink as it can “ instill a lot of trust into the dynamic and there’s minimal risk.”

Lilithfox suggests using earplugs or noise cancelling headphones for beginners who are looking to explore controlled isolation of the senses. She says temperature play through using ice or warm massage oil is another beginner friendly option for those looking to dip their toes into low-risk kink. 

Breath Play

If you’re curious about breath play, it’s essential to be aware that there’s not a safe way to do it. That being said, there are alternatives for beginners who are looking for low-risk options. Emerson recommends starting with a fantasy choke where a hand is around the neck, but there’s no pressure and no blood flow or air is being restricted. “Sometimes a dominating hand on the throat or neck is really all that is needed to feel the experience and express the dynamic while having minimal risks.”

Additionally, you can also explore the psychological side of things without cutting off airflow through dominance and anticipation, as expert, Lilithfoxx, proposes. “Try guided breath control, where one partner instructs the other to breathe slowly or hold their breath briefly, keeping full air access.”

Roleplay 

For roleplays or experimentation with power dynamics, considering the emotional risk can be just as important as the physical! “Using low-stakes scenarios like boss/employee or professor/student that emphasize verbal interaction rather than props or costumes,” are great beginner options, says Lilithfoxx. Roleplay can also be a low-risk entry point for those who have less experience with kink due to the fact that it’s able to be contained and choreographed- you can set the scene, Emerson adds. 

Impact Play 

When it comes to various forms of impact play, Emerson highlights that there are many ways you can make it sound like you’re spanking someone without inflicting a lot of pain. “The way we cup or flatten our hands or spread our fingers can really make an impact on, well impact! A cupped hand will give a similar experience to a flat hand with less impact and pain” 

Intense spanking or impact on high risk areas of the body, like the spine or calves, has the potential to cause serious injury or nerve damage. If you’re a beginner, it’s best to start with light impact on fattier areas of the body like the butt and thighs. Lilithfoxx adds that in addition to handspanking, beginners can also use soft implements like a fuzzy paddle or flogger made of lightweight material. She notes that beginners should focus on “rhythm, communication, and reading your partner’s reactions rather than intensity.”

 

Heal and Soothe With Salve After Impact Play

Aftercare Always 

Although now adopted into more common sexual practices, aftercare originated in BDSM communities as a way to connect and feel comfort after the possible intensities and vulnerabilities that can accompany kink. Aftercare allows for everyone participating in kink to transition out of the session and feel secure. For some people, that can look like talking about how you feel, showering together, rehydrating and getting snacks, watching tv, or anything else you might need to wind down and relax. Aftercare makes sure everyone’s needs are actively tended to and met- a constant through all kink practices!

 

Explore Our Entire Line For Post Sex Care

 

Related Reading 

What’s Wrong With calling My Vulva My Vagina? What is BDSM?

Get Hot Not Bothered, How To Soothe Pain After Sex

What is BDSM?

How To Shed Sexual Shame

 

 

Maya Walsh-Little (she/her) is a lesbian sex educator in Brooklyn and a sex / relationships writer. She loves teaching about pleasure, queerness, and empathy so that all people have the tools to develop their own relationship to authentic sexuality. When she’s not teaching or pursuing her master’s in sex education, she loves cooking for her girlfriend and two cats. You can follow her on instagram @mayawl and visit: https://mayawalshlittle.wordpress.com/