How to Initiate Sex

Why Initiating Sex Feels So Hard (Especially for Women)

BY: Natassia Miller

Initiation is rarely just a spontaneous gesture. It’s wrapped up in gender roles, social conditioning, and even trauma. Many women and people with vulvas were raised to believe that being sexually assertive is unfeminine, too much, or even “slutty.” Even when we know better logically, those scripts can still run in the background.

Take a former client of mine—a woman in her late 30s, married with kids, juggling a demanding career. Like many of the women I work with, she loved her partner and wanted a richer sex life, but initiating felt unnatural. She realized she’d internalized the belief that women should be pursued, not pursue. For her, making the first move felt foreign—even taboo.

Sound familiar?

You might also have grown up with the idea that sex is something you give, not something you experience for yourself. This mindset can unconsciously keep you in a passive role, even if your body is ready to engage.

Another layer to consider is that many women experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire—which simply means you often realize you're in the mood after arousal has begun, not before. 

With spontaneous desire, arousal feels like it comes out of nowhere: you see your partner walk by, and bam—you’re ready. But with responsive desire, your body needs a little more context: closeness, touch, emotional connection, or even just a sense of calm.

This can make initiating sex feel harder, because you don’t always feel desire until something has already sparked it. And when the cultural script tells you you should feel turned on first in order to initiate, it can create a loop of self-doubt: “Am I broken? Why am I not in the mood yet?” 

You’re not broken. You’re just wired differently—and your wiring is more common than you think.

 

Understanding the Nervous System’s Role in Desire

Here’s something most people don’t realize: your nervous system plays a huge role in how you respond to sex—especially when it comes to initiating it.

Even if you want to get things going, your body might be holding onto old stress, sexual trauma, or simply years of cultural conditioning that say, “This isn’t your role.” You might logically know you're safe and loved, but your body could still be operating under a different script—one that whispers, “Freeze,” even when your mind says “Go.”

This is where nervous system regulation becomes an essential part of your intimate life.

What impacts your nervous system?

Sometimes the stressors are obvious: work deadlines, parenting exhaustion, conflict in the relationship, or physical exhaustion. But often, it’s subtler. Chronic stress from ongoing demands, never feeling truly off the clock, past experiences with rejection or shame, even doomscrolling or too much caffeine can dysregulate your nervous system.

When your body is in fight, flight, or freeze mode—even mildly—it becomes harder to access curiosity, arousal, or connection. That’s why sex can feel like “too much” even when you deeply love and desire your partner.

 

Understanding Stress On Our System

 

What helps you come back into your body?

Regulating your nervous system doesn’t have to mean a 90-minute yoga class (though it can). Often, it’s about small, consistent practices that send your body the signal: you’re safe, you can soften.

Here are some tried-and-true tools that can help you feel more open to intimacy and more confident in initiating:

Mindfulness

• Body scans: Before intimacy or at the end of your day, try a 5–10 minute body scan meditation.

• Savoring pleasure: Practice paying attention to small sensual moments during your day—a warm mug in your hands, the scent of your partner’s shirt, the sun on your skin, the Tonic Oil being massaged onto your vulva. This primes your brain for pleasure.

• Mindful transitions: Build a short ritual between “doing mode” and “connecting mode.” Maybe it’s dimming the lights, lighting a candle, or taking three deep breaths together before bed.
  
  

Breathwork

• Box breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat for 1–2 minutes to calm the nervous system quickly.

• Extended exhale: Try breathing in for 4 counts and out for 8. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping you relax.

• Before bed or sex: Use these techniques when you notice tension creeping in or to transition out of stress and into intimacy.
  
  

Movement

• Shaking: Yes, literally shaking your body for 1–2 minutes. It’s a practice borrowed from somatic experiencing to release stuck tension.

• Gentle yoga: Positions like Child’s Pose (Balasana), Cat-Cow, or Legs Up the Wall can be deeply soothing.

• Walking or dancing: A 10-minute solo walk, or putting on your favorite song and letting your body move, can reconnect you to your sensuality and body.
  
  

Sensory tools

• A warm bath is one of the simplest ways to create a sense of grounding. Add a few drops of the Tonic Oil for a more restorative, nutrient-rich experience.

• Even just a few minutes of self-massage—especially on the neck, inner arms, or thighs—can help you drop back into your body. Try it with the Body Oil, a silky blend that hydrates your skin and sets a sensual tone, easing the transition from stress to softness.

When used with intention, these practices create a sense of safety and attunement—all of which make it easier to access arousal and initiate sex from a place that feels genuine.

You don’t need to do all of them. In fact, just pick one or two that resonate with you, and try them during moments when you notice you're feeling disconnected, tense, or shut down. Over time, they create a bridge back to your desire—not by forcing it, but by making space for it to emerge.

 What matters most is how you co-create intimacy, not who makes the first move.

 

Rethinking What It Means to Initiate

So let’s shift the question from “How do I initiate sex?” to something deeper:

What makes me feel safe, excited, and turned on enough to want to initiate?

Initiation doesn’t always have to be verbal or bold. It can be subtle. Sensual. Playful. It can look like lighting a candle you both agreed on as a cue. Curling up behind your partner in bed. Sending a flirty emoji. Or whispering something suggestive before you leave for work.

More than anything, it’s about feeling empowered in your desire—not pressured to perform.

 

 

Finding Your Initiation Style

Just like we all have different love languages, we also have unique initiation styles. Identifying yours—and your partner’s—can make the whole experience more intuitive and less stressful.

Here are 8 initiation styles to explore:

1. Kissing Style: You crave deep, lingering kisses. Physical closeness and slow buildup make you feel desired.
   
   

2. Sensualist Style: Texture, pressure, and physical touch are your gateway. Think massages, soft fabrics, warm baths. (Pro tip: add Tonic to your bath for added benefits)
   

3. Passion Style: Urgency and heat fuel your arousal. You love eye contact, assertive gestures, and feeling claimed.
   
   

4. Sapio Style: Intellectual stimulation turns you on. Flirtatious banter, clever debates, and witty foreplay are your jam.
   
   

5. Romantic Style: Emotional intimacy is everything. You feel sexiest when you're seen, valued, and emotionally connected.
   
   

6. Caregiving Style: Feeling nurtured reduces your stress and gets you in the mood. Acts of service—like taking something off your plate—matter.
   
   

7. Playful Style: Humor and spontaneity light your fire. Inside jokes, goofy texts, or flirty games open the door to intimacy.
   
   

8. Verbal Style: Words are everything. Dirty talk, sexy compliments, or even sweet affirmations can spark desire.
   
   

Take a moment to reflect: which styles resonate with you? Are there forms of initiation you wish your partner used more often? Do your preferences align with how sex is currently initiated in your relationship?

Have this conversation with your partner—not to criticize but to co-create something better.

When (and Where) Do You Feel Most Open to Intimacy?

Initiation isn’t just about how—it’s also about when. Understanding the context that supports your desire is key to making initiation feel easier.

Use this quick check-in exercise. Next to each prompt, mark “Yes,” “No,” or “It Depends.” If you choose “It Depends,” identify the factors that change your answer. Feel free to add more prompts applicable to your life if needed.

Are you open to sex being initiated when...

• The kids are in the house?
  

• You’re in the middle of chores?
  

• During the workday?
  

• Late at night?
  

• First thing in the morning?
  

• You’re sick or stressed?
  

• While guests are over—or you’re a guest?
  

• When it’s explicitly scheduled?
  

• When it’s spontaneous?
  

• When you’re asked (“Wanna have sex?”)?
  

• When you’re told (“Let’s have sex”)?
  
  

Now compare answers with your partner. You might be surprised how much clarity this gives you both. 

 

Exploring Intimacy: A Guide to Vulva Stimulation

 

Tips for Initiating Sex with More Ease and Confidence

Ready to put it all together? Here are a few simple (but powerful) tips to try:

 

1. Start with Communication

If your partner always initiates, they may feel confused or discouraged. Sharing how your upbringing, body, or stress response affects your ability to initiate builds understanding—and closeness.

Try saying:

“I’ve realized that initiating sex can feel hard for me because of old beliefs I’m trying to unlearn. But I want to shift that, and I’d love your support.”

Or, if you want to verbally communicate your initiation, instead of saying the usual “Do you want to have sex?”, reframe it into “I want to have sex. Are you open to it?”

This approach centers your desire without demanding a “yes,” creating space for your partner to meet you there instead of feeling put on the spot. It’s a simple shift, but one that makes room for mutuality, consent, and vulnerability—all key ingredients for great sex.

2. Create a Non-Verbal Cue

Words can feel too direct sometimes. So try agreeing on a shared signal—a candle lit, a particular playlist, or a sign on the bedroom door.

Over time, this gentle nudge can build your comfort and confidence.

 

3. Extend Your Foreplay

Foreplay doesn’t have to start in the bedroom—or even with touch. For many women, especially those who experience responsive desire, the most effective kind of foreplay is about creating ongoing connection throughout the day, not just building arousal in the moment.

There’s a saying among sex therapists: Foreplay starts when your last sexual encounter ends.

What does that mean?

The small moments of erotic connection you create each day build on each other—so when the next opportunity for sex arises, it doesn’t feel like it’s coming out of nowhere.

This is especially important if your life is full—kids, work, caregiving, stress. Creating rituals of connection, whether emotional or sensual, sends the message: we’re still choosing each other. And that message alone can be incredibly arousing.

Something as simple as offering a foot rub, running a bath, or massaging the Tonic Oil onto each other’s skin can become a non-verbal way of saying: I want to connect with you.

For couples who feel “too busy” for intimacy, this reframe can be game-changing. Instead of putting pressure on a single night of the week to carry all your sexual energy, you create a culture of low-pressure, ongoing erotic connection—making initiation feel much more natural and far less daunting.

Let Go of Performance Pressure

Most importantly, release the idea that initiating sex means putting on a show or being seductive in a specific way.

Initiation can be awkward. It can be messy. It can be sweet, funny, or subtle. The key is that it’s authentic to you.

If there’s one takeaway from all of this, it’s this: Initiation is less about “doing it right” and more about creating a space where desire can flourish—gently, playfully, and with mutual care.

 

Your Initiation Action Plan

Let’s tie it all together.

Take 15 minutes to reflect on these prompts with your partner:

• What patterns around initiation currently exist in our relationship?

• What’s working and what’s not in terms of sexual initiation?

• What context or conditions help us feel more open to intimacy?

• What small shifts can we each try this week to initiate differently?

• How can we celebrate the courage it takes to make the first move—whether subtle or bold?

Because here’s the truth: initiating sex is less about scripts and more about safety, self-awareness, and shared intention.

And the more we reframe it that way, the more intimacy becomes not just easier—but richer.

 

About the Author

Natassia Miller is a Brazilian-American sexologist based in NYC and the founder of Wonderlust, where she helps couples build more confident, connected sex lives through workshops, 1:1 coaching, and her bestselling Mindful Intimacy Card Deck. Her work has been featured by Cosmopolitan, NBC, Glamour, Soho House, and more. Explore her offerings at wonderlust.co or follow along on Instagram @natassiamiller.

 

Further Reading:

How To Clean Up After Sex

Sex After Menopause (It can get better!)

The Intersection of Sexual & Mental Health

Mind the Pleasure Gap: Gender Inequality in the Bedroom