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How to Properly, Politely & Pleasurably Hire A Sex Worker

How to Properly, Politely & Pleasurably Hire A Sex Worker

 

Support Your Local Sex Worker. 100% of proceeds are donated to The Cupcake GirlsIn 2020, the non-profit organization had over 40,000 interactions and worked with 800 clients. Because of our generous partners and dedicated volunteer teams, we were able to offer over $1,200,000.00 in community resources and partner referrals.

Not to sound like a broken record, but sex work is work! In fact, it’s one of the oldest professions that’s purportedly recession proof. But if we’ve learned anything from 2020, it’s that sex work is certainly not pandemic-proof, despite the indispensable — or, dare we say, essential — services sex workers provide. See, sex workers don’t just offer no-strings attached sexual services (although they can!). For some, they offer a safe way to explore sexual fantasies, for others, they are a lifeline, a human connection.


Every sex worker has their own reasons for being a sex worker, just as every client has their reasons for hiring one. The
why is a moot point. In the wake of FOSTA/SESTA bills, an increasingly censored media landscape, and few political leaders willing to advocate for these VIP, it's particularly vital that we support our local sex workers. And yes, that means hiring them! 

So during a time when it gets dark shortly after lunch and the safest place to spend the holidays is home, alone, we thought it would be the perfect time to educate ourselves on how to properly, politely, and pleasureably support—and hire—a sex worker. 

Hiring a sex worker should be a fun and engaging interaction, but there are rules — written, unsaid, and implied — that we have to follow to ensure the safety of both parties involved. Being mindful of both your and your companion’s boundaries and expectations is the most important thing. 


Do keep in mind that these are the opinions of a small group of sex workers with various identities, platforms, outlooks, and experiences and their answers do not reflect the opinions of
all sex workers. This is merely a starting point for you to begin educating yourself in the hopes of changing the conversations you have with and about sex workers, and just generally be less of a jerk about sex work. 

Bottom line: everyone has their reasons for working in the industry, personal boundaries, and their preferred way of being contacted and paid, so take care to respect the individual, don’t negotiate, and — you already know what we’re going to say — Support Your Local Sex Worker

 

 

SYLSW

What is one thing you wish people know before hiring a sex worker?

Caroline (they/them) @petitangebrun  |  Twitter  |  OnlyFans

Respect is key, the same way it is when you’re interacting with retail workers, food service employees, your own co-workers, or a crush that you really care about and would like to have sex with. Just because you’re engaging with someone who sells sexual services doesn’t mean that courtesy and etiquette go out the window. As in, it’s not OK to send d*ck pics off the bat or call people pet names that might make them uncomfortable (across the board, but especially when dealing with gender non-conforming folks like myself). 

 

Anonymous (she/her)

Hiring a sex worker is a luxury, and our prices are fixed. Please do not try to negotiate or ask for discounts/previews/freebies. As sex workers we do an exhaustive amount of work besides the actual clip or service. We are responsible for makeup, grooming, wardrobe, set design, photo and video editing, as well as having to keep constant fresh advertisements. A lot of work goes on behind the scenes.  So when someone asks us to lower prices, it's very disheartening.

 

Haley (Haley/Haley's)

There are a lot of things I wish people knew before hiring a sex worker or erotic laborer. I think I wish people did not assume that I have "daddy issues" or "low self-esteem.” I do erotic labor from a healing standpoint. I love myself for being able to be intimate and vulnerable with myself in this space. It helps me reclaim autonomy, sensuality, and control. 

I also would like clients to know that I have my price and that is my price. It is a slap in the face when I have clients try to gaslight me into thinking my value, worth, and time is not as much as I believe it is. 

 

 

What are various ways we can support sex workers online or in real life?

Anonymous (she/her)

First and foremost fighting for decriminalization and the systematic erasure of sex workers in social media. Ending the stigma and treating it as exactly what it is: a job. When a sex worker's social media is suspended it can result in a huge loss of income. It would be so very helpful if allies were vocal about censorship. I think when it comes to sex work a lot of us feel abandoned by the feminist movement at times. People who claim to be intersectional don't actually speak up or raise their voices to uplift or defend us and the silence can be deafening. We need support and compassion, and definitely more visibility in a mainstream sense. 

 


Caroline (they/them) @petitangebrun |  Twitter | OnlyFans

Respect is key, the same way it is when you’re interacting with retail workers, food service employees, your own co-workers, or a crush that you really care about and would like to have sex with. Just because you’re engaging with someone who sells sexual services doesn’t mean that courtesy and etiquette go out the window. As in, it’s not OK to send d*ck pics off the bat or call people pet names that might make them uncomfortable (across the board, but especially when dealing with gender non-conforming folks like myself). 

For starters, you can support sex workers by paying for your porn. You can also turn to sex workers if you’re you’re craving carnal intimacy but can’t quite find the right person, or are looking for the perfect third for your threesome with your partner. You can also work on combating whorephobia in your daily conversations with friends, family, and coworkers. Stick up for cam models, strippers, and full-service sex workers. Meditate on whether it’s OK for celebrities to hop on OnlyFans as a hobby, when others depend on sex work to make ends meet or to live decent lives. 

Champion BIPOC sex workers, especially Black trans women, who statistically are most likely to engage in survival sex work — and who get the short end of stick, legally and politically, every time. According to The National Center For Transgender Equality, 12% of trans folks participate in income-based sex work on average. (If you include those who’ve engaged in sex work for food or shelter, that rate jumps to 19% of trans folks.) Of those who had run-ins with the police, 86% reported some form of verbal harassment, physical abuse, or sexual assault by the police. Of the trans women who reported engaging in income-based sex work, 42% of them were Black. Look into and support efforts to decriminalize sex work to make the world a safer place for those who sell sexual goods and services. 


LEARN MORE How the Pandemic Is Affecting Sex Workers

 

Haley (Haley/Haley's)

Pay for your ethical porn use!!!! Pay performers directly and ask what their preferred payment platform is. 

If they have wish lists, try to purchase directly from the wishlist—that goes a long way. 

Have conversations about the stigma of being a sex worker, learn about how sex work originated, support Black and Brown Trans Sex Workers. 

Learn the difference between sex-trafficking and sex work—they are not interchangeable. Read up on FOSTA SESTA and the Earn-it Act. 

Do not slut-shame or be whorephobic to full-service sex workers. Learn why sex work needs to be decriminalized and NOT legalized in the United States. I highly recommend reading HEAUXTHOTS by Suprihmbé. It teaches us about terminology and the origin of words and why [white] people can use the word "slut" for themselves, but they can not use ho(e) and thot, which is for BIOPOC.

 

Support Your Local Sex Worker Merch 

 

What are safe and conscientious spaces where people can find sex workers for hire?

Anonymous (she/her) 

Verified clip sites usually have contact info listed, as well as Only Fans. Twitter is one of the last places that sex workers can advertise sexual services. Because of FOSTA SESTA unfortunately there are very limited options now. 

 

Caroline (they/them) @petitangebrun |  Twitter | OnlyFans

One route you can take is to look for ethical adult film companies, do your research on their history and workplace practices, and patronize them. Another route you can take is by searching for OnlyFans accounts that feed your fancy. You might stumble upon across a post from your favorite Instagram baddie one day, realize that they have an OnlyFans page, and the rest is history! But I recommend looking on Twitter, because it’s searchable and not as strict as Instagram on censoring bodies and sexual services. Search “OnlyFans” plus porn categories or kinks you enjoy, and take pleasure in looking for sex workers whose company you’d enjoy. 


In this process, you’ll find that a lot of sex workers don’t exclusively use OnlyFans, but other also platforms like Frisk, SextPanther, AVNStars, even Patreon, and so on. Sometimes, they sell pre-made or one-off custom content, and take payment for it via CashApp, Venmo, and PayPal. Using social media to find sex workers is a safe and conscientious option, because people get to do their thing on their own terms. If you’re subscribed to someone’s OnlyFans or buying custom videos from them, you have a better guarantee that the porn you’re enjoying has been created consensually, the parties involved are being paid a fair wage,

 

Haley (Haley/Haley's)

Frisk is a safe subscription based platform that is run and owned by sex workers. Purchasing from performers directly is the safer and more conscientious approach to support your local sex worker. I boost sex worker and erotic labor accounts on my Twitter and Instagram as a way to [help clients] buy directly from the creative. 

 

 

How do people reach out to hire a sex worker and do so respectfully?

Haley (Haley/Haley's)

Every sex worker has their preferred way of being contacted, so this depends person to person. Don’t argue with the price and what that price covers. If you are paying over an app like Venmo, PayPal, and Cashapp, only use a very simple emoji. This helps eliminate tracking from the companies which can and will shut down the performer's payment account. 

Treat them as a human and not as an object. Your time is not more valuable than theirs.

 

Anonymous (she/her) 

Be kind, respectful, and very, very clear and concise about what exactly it is you are looking for. We are here to provide a service and want to do so to the best our our abilities so any additional information is always helpful. 

I think a lot of people can be very shy about reaching out for the first time, but know that we WANT to hear from you. New customers and clients are always so incredibly welcome. 

Establishing a good rapport between a client and a worker is so incredibly rewarding, so please, just be honest about what you want and your expectations, because good communication is priceless and always ensures a better experience for both parties in my opinion.

 

Caroline (they/them) @petitangebrun |  Twitter | OnlyFans

First, look for their contact information. Typically, a sex worker will have their preferred method listed in their social media bio. Perhaps they’re cool with Twitter DMs, perhaps they prefer email. Maybe they only answer sex work inquiries via OnlyFans, Frisk, SextPanther, or another platform of choice. Pay attention to this and proceed accordingly, so you can respect the boundaries sex workers set for themselves.


Second, let them know in a friendly and enthusiastic way what you’re looking for. Are you interested in nudes, pre-made content, or a custom video? Do you want to sext or video call, or would you like to meet up? (With that last one, discuss COVID-19 boundaries). Do you have a specific kink or fetish you’d like them to indulge you in? By being upfront about what you’d like to get out of your interactions, they can let you know if you two are a good fit. This is important, because that way, you don’t waste a sex worker’s time and you get your desires deliciously fulfilled.


Third, honor the price list. There are few things worse than a potential client banging down the metaphorical door to see your nudes, to watch you get off, or to sext you only to get sour about the cost. The prices sex workers set for their labor aren’t arbitrary. They’re based on market research (so to speak), personal experience, and a long-mulled-over, ever-evolving internal dialogue about self-worth. Put it to you this way: You wouldn’t go to a restaurant and argue with the workers there about the price of the food and beverages, simply because you don’t want to pay up. 


If you’re feeling cheap, I’m not going to say, “Well, just go watch free porn somewhere else.” I’m going to say, look for a sex worker elsewhere that has rates that fit your wallet. But also, sit with yourself and examine why you don’t want to pay for sex work when it’s something — like ice cream, like bath soaks, like rooftop drinks, like movie or concert tickets — in service of your pleasure.

 

 

Please note that the answers have been edited for clarity.  

 

 

Support Your Local Sex WorkerSYLSW Merch

 

Further Reading

Sex Worker Rights Around the World

How the Pandemic Affects Sex Workers

Redefining Activism by Kénta Xiadani Ch'umil (they/them) 

Philanthropy & the Organizations We Support

 

 

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