Sapphic Sex: A Beginner's Guide
Share
by Katie Davis - Founder of Banana Split
It’s Pride Month!! Which means it’s the perfect time to bring you all the info you need to have a slutty, sapphic summer!
Exploring sapphic sex for the first time is so much fun, and can even be life-changing! But it can also feel overwhelming to try something new. Maybe you’re excited, maybe you’re nervous, maybe you’re spiraling just a little because you really want to get it right. We’re here to help!
Step One is Getting Out Of Your Head
Anxiety is the enemy of good sex (which, yes, is the least helpful sentence to hear when you’re anxious, but bear with me.
It can help to remember this isn’t a solo performance. You and your partner are collaborators in pleasure. You don’t have to guess what they like. You can ask. It’s like the ultimate cheat code. I get that it’s scary to be vulnerable and admit you're not an all knowing sex god. But the fact is that sex, good sex at least is ALL ABOUT putting yourself in a vulnerable position and trusting your partner. So embrace it. Establish a dialogue right off the bat:
“This is new for me. I’d love it if you guided me, tell me what feels good and what doesn’t.”
Shift out of the mindset of succeeding and into the mindset of exploring. You’re not here to impress. You’re here to connect. It’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to be awkward. It’s okay to feel totally out of your depth.
Don’t hold yourself to an impossible standard, even if it’s not your first time, every new partner is a learning curve
Try your best not to recycle knowledge. You may think you’ll be an expert at sapphic sex because you, too, have a vulva. But just because you know what you like doesn’t mean you know what she’ll like. It’s a mistake to rely on muscle memory or preconceived notions. Be prepared to start from scratch. Vulvas are deeply individual. Sensitivities, preferences, and turn-ons vary wildly.
That’s why I’d strongly caution you against any “one-size-fits-all” sex guides that say things like,
“Never touch the clit directly,” or “Don’t finger someone too aggressively, no girl likes that.” WRONG. What we’re not doing here is giving you a rigid rulebook. What we are doing is offering a foundation to build on. Because ultimately, your partner should be your guide, not a blog post.
Tips & Tricks: Eating Out
Going down on someone for the first time can feel super intimidating. And just because you’ve been on the receiving end doesn’t mean you’ll automatically be an expert. Here are a few pointers to get you going.
1. Every Vulva Is Different
Every vulva has different preferences, sensitivity levels, and responses. Start slow, ask questions, and follow both verbal and non-verbal cues. Experiment with different locations, pressure levels, and speed. When you find something that works, stick to it! Sometimes consistency > intensity and the best thing you can do is do the exact same thing for 10 minutes.
2. Build Up is Crucial
Don’t go in full throttle. Take your time. Kiss their thighs. Lick around the clit without touching it directly. Anticipation is your friend because it’s not only hot, it makes everything more physically pleasurable when you finally get started. The clitoris, like a penis, is made of erectile tissue. When aroused, it fills with blood, swells, and becomes way more sensitive and receptive to stimulation.
3. Oral + Fingers = Power Combo
Adding finger or two can seriously level up the experience and skyrocket your head game. If you’re with a new partner, you can try holding your fingers just at the entrance of their vagina and letting them press into / grind on your fingers. It’s an easy, intuitive way to gauge the baseline depth, pressure, and rhythm they’re craving before you take over.
4. Help them Relax
Some people love being the center of attention during oral–they get off on being watched and putting on a show. Others might feel self-conscious or anxious about having their pleasure take center stage.
If your partner is struggling to relax, offer reassurance. Compliment them. Make it obvious you’re genuinely enjoying yourself. And if that doesn’t help, try shifting the focus. Use a hands-free vibe on yourself or suggest 69ing. That way, it feels more mutual and less like they’re under a spotlight which can make it easier to sink into the sensation.
5. Check in
Giving feedback during oral can be awkward your partner might not want to interrupt or worry it’ll kill the vibe. So make it easy for them by checking in periodically. And get specific. Instead of a vague “Do you like that?”, try:
-
“How’s this pressure?”
-
"Is that the right spot?
-
“Want me to go slower or faster?”
The more specific your questions, the easier it is for them to give clear, helpful answers.
6. Know When to Switch It Up
Don’t get stubborn. Whether or not someone comes doesn’t mean you’re bad at oral. As someone with a vulva yourself, you know they’re fickle beasts. Sometimes an orgasm just isn’t in the cards that day. Sometimes oral isn’t what gets them off.
And that’s okay. An orgasm isn’t the only measure of how good an experience was. If it feels like you’re not making much headway (lol), don’t force it. Grab a toy, try penetration, or let your partner focus on you for a bit. You can always circle back to oral later.
Let’s Talk About Strap-Ons
Strap-on sex is often misconstrued as the defining act of sapphic sex because let’s be real, our heteronormative society can only see “real sex” as penetration with a phallic object. But in reality, strap-ons are just one of many tools in our sexy sapphic toolbox. Let’s talk about how to use ’em!
1. Picking Your First Dildo
Go in person if you can. Check out different textures. Compare sizes. Test vibration. If shopping IRL isn’t an option, no worries just make sure you read reviews and compare measurements to something tangible: your fingers, a tampon, a vegetable lol. Online sizes can be deceiving what looks cute and small on screen might show up massive in real life.
Choosing your strap-on should be collaborative. Sure, it’s going into your partner’s body but it’s also going to be strapped to yours. Seeing a dick attached to your own body for the first time can feel weirder than you expect. So pick one you feel good about. Choose a color, shape, and vibe (literally) that excites you—sparkly, neon, realistic, soft, squishy, firm. Whatever makes both of you feel comfortable and excited!
2. Choosing a Harness
There are two main types of harness:
- Traditional Harnesses: These look a bit like rock-climbing gear. Secure, adjustable, and great for all body types. Tried and true, but all those straps may take a little getting used to.
-
Underwear-Style: These are cute, comfy, and super quick to throw on. They come in briefs, boxers, thongs you name it. The drawback? They’re usually less adjustable and may stretch out or lack support.
If you can, play around with a few styles until you find something that feels good and makes you feel hot. Bonus tip: Make sure you have a few different-sized O-rings so you can swap them out depending on the girth of the dildo!
3. Don’t Forget the Lube
I’ll be forever grateful to the woman at the sex toy store who stopped me from buying silicone lube with my first silicone toy. Sure seems like they should go together, but silicone lube can actually damage the surface of a silicone toy. Use water-based lube and reapply often as it’ll dry out fast. Even if your partner is naturally wet, it’s always good to lube up your toy. When in doubt add more. Lube is your friend.
4. Let Your Partner Guide
You can’t feel what’s going on down there like you would with finger, so guidance is more important than ever. Ask your partner to guide you. Let them move against you first. Match their rhythm. Check in often. And don’t be discouraged if you can’t get the hang of it. Practice makes perfect!
5. Work Up to It
Don’t go from nothing to a full dildo. Finger first. Try one, then two. Let their body open up and see what they’re comfortable with. Some people require A LOT of preparation, and that’s ok. Be patient, go slowly, and wait them to really want more before levelling up.
6. What About Partner Dildos?
Partner dildos (aka strapless strap-ons or double-ended dildos) can be an amazing way to connect, but most fall short when it comes to sizing. In our research, 78% of sapphics said they couldn’t use standard double-ended toys comfortably. At Banana Split, we design customizable partner toys to make mutual pleasure more accessible to the sapphic community!
So if you’re curious about partner toys but haven’t found the right fit, check BANANA SPLIT out we’ve got you (and your partner) covered :)
Scissoring: Fact or Fiction?
Ah yes, the scissoring debate. People both inside and outside the sapphic community love to take strong stances on it—claiming it’s either porn propaganda or the holy grail of lesbian sex. The truth is somewhere in the middle.
So… Is Scissoring Real?
Yes, it’s real. Scissoring iis a form of vulva-to-vulva grinding. It involves two people pressing and grinding their vulvas together. For those who can master it, scissoring can feel incredibly intimate and stimulating. But for many others, it’s too hard to coordinate and too much effort for too little pay off of fleeting clitoral pleasure.
Why the Controversy?
Because scissoring was overhyped by mainstream media. And that misconception provoked understandable backlash less about whether scissoring is a sex position, and more about the lack of accurate, diverse representation of sapphic intimacy.
Scissoring is real but it’s just one of the many ways sapphics have sex. For some, it works great. For others, not at all.
If you’re interested in giving it a shot, here are a few tips:
- It’s all about the angles: it’ll take some finagling and rearranging to get the angle right for both of you. Be patient.
- Increase pressure: you have to press your vulvas together pretty firmly to stimulate your clits with the friction. Getting a good grip on each other's hands, arms, or legs can help!
- Use props: scissoring is kind of a work out! Propping yourself up with pillows can make it easier and more stable. And incorporating a toy is a deeply underrated bonus.
- Putting a vibrator, ideally a big one with a long handle, between your vulvas to grind on together really gets you more bang for your buck. And, in my opinion, feels just as intimate.
Are Tribbing and Scissoring the Same?
Not quite. Tribbing is the umbrella term, it includes scissoring, but also refers more broadly to any kind of grinding your vulva against your partner’s body. That could mean grinding on a thigh, a hip, or putting your knee between their legs while making out—otherwise known as the knee thing™.
For some people, tribbing or grinding is actually their primary way to orgasm. But even if it’s not your go-to, it’s still a super fun, low-effort way to connect and build tension, without needing precision or perfect angles.
Aftercare Matters
Great sex doesn’t end when the orgasm does. Thoughtful aftercare is essential, not just for emotional closeness, but for keeping your body healthy!
Clean your toys!
Cannot be overstated. Unwashed toys can lead to BV, yeast infections and more. Wash with warm water and fragrance-free soap after every use. And if you’re switching holes or partners, clean between uses every time.
Sure, it can be annoying to pause the action and run to the sink. But ultimately, washing your toys is an act of respect for your partner, for their body, and for yourself.
Take Care of Your Body
We don’t talk enough about vaginal wellness in the context of sapphic sex.
Being proactive about vaginal health and recovery is important. These are our top 3 recommendations for soothing and protecting our vulvas.
- Soothe and Restore Salve: Our Multi-Use Salve is soothing and antimicrobial. Use it after sex or at the first sign of irritation. Lot of friction in WLW sex, give your vulva the TLC it deserves.
- Hydrosol: Refreshing, pH-supportive, and perfect post-hookup. Hopping on the subway after a hot hook up? Hydrosol is a must.
- Tonic: Use in the bath for a sexy antimicrobial boost or apply to groomed, waxed or shaved body hair. Great post sex or during the menstrual cycle.
Cuddle, Chat, Connect
First-time sapphic sex can bring up A LOT of feelings. Even the most casual hookup can leave you feeling super emotional. Emotional intimacy is sexy, too. Don’t skip it..
Pride = Self-Love
Pride is about honoring our bodies, embracing our desires, and celebrating queer joy in every form, especially the sexy kind.
This Pride, Banana Split and Momotaro Apotheca are teaming to tell you everything you need to know to to have the slutty and safe Pride of your dreams. Because every queer person deserves access to honest information, affirming care, and good sex.
Additional Reading
Beginners Guide To Queer Dating