Some MILF’s Husband: An Unexpected Journey to Sexual Awakening in My 30s and 40s
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MILF Libido, Romance, and Vaginal Health: How I Found Desire at 40
I am stepping into my sluttiest, least apologetic MILF self these days. Interestingly, the key to becoming ALL of this doesn’t lie in fucking a bunch of strangers (which I have done), or even having a lot of group sex (which I do love). You see, I have been monogamous, a swinger, non-monogamous, polyamorous, and landed finally into relationship anarchy. I will probably never practice traditional monogamy again, but what I have learned about unlocking my inner slut as a demisexual babe was actually most unexpected… It's romance and a deep connection.
How Romance Can Unlock Your Inner Desire
Enter my soon-to-be husband, CJ. When I tell you that this relationship has been anything but traditional, it’s not hyperbole. I met CJ when he washed up on the beach one day. I came to our regularly scheduled friend group beach day, and there he was, sitting casually in his beach chair, doing math equations. I was a polyamorous, married housewife just beginning to step into my sexual awakening. He was a college senior with a double major in physics and mathematics who had all but given up on romantic love. I know, it’s slightly cynical of him, but it does characterize him at the time.
It was a winding road from the beach that day to our upcoming Valentine’s Day nuptials, but that’s a story for another time (I promise). Today, what I want to talk about is how CJ helped me reach through the fabric of time to help pull me out of a life of resignation and into the most romantic era I have ever experienced. This era unlocked things in me I never knew I wanted.
Read: Valentine’s Day Self-Love: Sexy, Intimate Rituals for Every Kind of Love
MILF Libido: Navigating Increased Desire and Perimenopause
When I write about what I feel for him, it always feels confessionary in nature. That is, it’s the type of thing you feel comfortable telling thousands of strangers on the internet, but not your friends in real life. That’s because this kind of romanticism is woven with a deep vulnerability. He is the type of man that I thought only existed in romance novels written by women, if you catch my drift, but he’s real, and he has turned me into a desperately in love woman, at last comfortable with being taken care of and then literally carried off to bed.
I have, at times, considered that part of it could be the age gap. There is, after all, something to be said about older femmes dating men in their 20s. These men show up tenderly, untouched by the harshness of the great 20-something break up. I, by contrast, am older and from the start told him exactly what I wanted and haven’t played any games. I also didn’t care what he had to offer me, economically. I wanted to fall in love and have a romantic experience. I certainly never expected to become his wife. All of that, and can we please just take a beat to talk about the absolute transformation my libido went through at about 36?
As I crossed the threshold of 35, I became insatiable. I was sexually ravenous for both men and women. I could only be classified as ungodly horny, and wanting to try EVERYTHING… from gentle femdom to group sex to pegging to being submissive, forced orgasms, Shibari, flogging—my kinks and my lust were deep wells, and they still are. One of my biggest challenges has been finding partners who could keep up with my ferocity and hunger. (And this says nothing of the depth of my feelings.) This is a tall order, and yet, CJ came miraculously equipped and matched me in my freak, even making room for it to grow.
Managing Vaginal Health During Passionate Sex
From the start, he would lovingly remind me that whatever it was I was feeling, was not too much. This began to melt whatever ice I had packed around myself throughout the course of my marriage, that place where I had professed I was “not romantic.” He did things entirely differently than I had ever experienced, asking me questions about how I felt during sex. He gave me feedback about how to pleasure him, with an instructional on sucking cock that has made me unrivaled in this regard. He is a MASTER of consent, and being asked “Can I kiss you here? Baby, do you want to be touched?” And this is something that healed every broken piece of my experiences with nonconsent that existed before him. This is the man who stops the world to say, “Oh my god, stop, you look so gorgeous,” and dedicates time to sit with me naked in front of the mirror so that he can run his fingers across my body and verbally worship my every curve, fold, and body part, telling me that I am a work of art.
Read: The Radical Power of Being Seen
As tenacious as my libido has been, it answers the call of romance with even more fervor, and I find myself blooming in the light of this love. This all unlocked something in me. Something long buried, something loving. I feel able to dive into the love and say, “I need you,” and to watch him come running. It’s helped me see myself differently, even outside of the context of our relationship.I have never seen myself as THIS desirable and it’s empowering, especially as I turned 40 this year. So, of course, when he asked me if I would marry him, if he could spend the rest of his life making me happy, what could I say but, “yes.”
The novelesque fantasy of a Valentine’s Day wedding and then a honeymoon made me feel like a winter wedding queen. But it also has to be said that as a chronic yeast infection girlie, I live in fear of that twinge, that itch, because for fuck’s sake, I absolutely don’t want to be out of the romance game for arguably the sexiest week of my life (so far, anyway!) Yes, I am 40 years old and firmly in perimenopause, and let me be as dramatic as possible when I say: SEX IS MY SALVATION, MY DRUG, MY RELAXATION PILL. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I work hard. And at the end of the day, I want to be able to fuck, enjoy my dinner, and then fuck again. And on my honeymoon (or really any special occasion) doubly so.
After all, what good are the MILF years without the F?
This was always my problem, whether I had two boyfriends and a girlfriend, or just one 26 year old fiancé to keep up with: mileage. Too much sex, and my vagina wants to do me dirty with a yeast infection, cuts from too much friction (IYKYK), or, as I learned on New Year’s, give me a damn UTI. The cost of being older is that I am hornier, but somehow, my vagina has more fragility. Which honestly is a maintenance issue. I have the most romantic week of my life staring me in the face: a Valentine’s Day wedding day, and then a honeymoon at a snowy location with an incredible hotel room with a deep soaker tub and a sauna. This place was made for all the romantic pleasures we have planned, and boy do we have them planned.
From indulging my new husband in a kinky fantasy of peeing through my thighs to pegging him silly, to giving him free use of my body throughout the honeymoon, I am looking forward to being dicked down in every conceivable way and squirting until I am a well run dry. Which is precisely why I started full pussy maintenance protocol at the beginning of January.
My Go-To Vaginal Care Routine for Maximum Pleasure
I take the UTI formula EVERY day (1-2 pills), I use the salve whenever I have had rough sex, or just to keep myself in order. I also use Momotaro’s products for bathing, which has allowed me to relax in the tub without putting my vaginal health in jeopardy (the epsom salt with the tonic in the bath is my winning combination!)
Pro-tip: I also use the salve on my man after I peg him, and it feels so incredible. And I bathe with the tonic as well as the bath salt formula to keep myself ready. And I’m not gonna lie, for my babes over 40, ashwagandha is also a stellar idea (of course, if your doctor or Chinese Medicine Practitioner agrees).
Pegging 101: A Guide TO Strap On Sex
Now of course I recommend all these products because they have truly helped me to match my vaginal capacity to my libido, but babes, if you are over 35, please allow me to make a less traveled recommendation. As you come into your sexual awakening, ALSO lower that age range on your dating apps. Who knows, that person you swipe on could be the future husband of some MILF, and that MILF could be you.
Annie is a non-binary, queer educator and writer unapologetically being herself and working to normalize diverse sexual and relationship experiences. You can find her shenanigans on Instagram @annie_undone and you can read her real life sexual adventures at Patreon.com/annieundone Annie also offers peer support for those exploring non-monogamy, relationship anarchy, and sexuality. Book peer support sessions at Calendly.com/annieundone
Further Reading:
Breaking the Silence: Perimenopause and Finding Relief
Aging and Sexuality: How to Reconnect with Your Pleasure at Any Age
