By: Ali Bravo

Ali Bravo (she/her) is a sex-positive educator,  kinky leather artist, and pleasure witch who is passionate about honoring the full spectrum of ourselves so that we may honor the same in others and is a fierce advocate for everyone’s worthiness to feel at home in their bodies.

 

Talking about sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can feel intimidating...

Even for folks who are comfortable with vulnerability talking about STI's can be hard. But at its core, an STI conversation is about collaborative care—with your body, your partner(s), and your shared experience. It’s not about perfection or fear. It’s about practicing mutual respect, informed consent, and compassionate communication.

My passion for this subject was born from a group sex experience with close friends where there was an incomplete STI conversation and subsequent exposure. It caused a big rift and a lot of pain. As a result of that experience, I committed to cultivating skills and sharing resources for comprehensive and clear communication to aid in the understanding and destigmatization of sexual health.

Much of this material first appeared in the class, Destigmatizing STI Conversations, co-facilitated with Bridget Ryan, who offers free Non-Monogamy Peer Support Circles in conjunction with OPEN (Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy). 

 
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. Although I’ve done extensive research, none of this should be considered medical advice.

Why We Talk About STIs

STIs are a normal part of being a sexually active human. They are common, treatable (in a lot of cases), and nothing to be ashamed of. Still, due to  stigma, conservative education systems, and shame, many of us haven’t been taught how to talk about them openly. 

These conversations are critical for reducing transmission and buoying sexual health, but they are not just about reducing risk—they are about:

Reducing shame, Creating more agency and choice, Building emotional intimacy and trust with partner(s), Practicing informed consent and boundary-setting, Practicing vulnerability and emotional transparency and Shifting cultural norms around sexuality

Most sexually active adults will contract at least one sexually transmitted infection (STI) in their lifetime. In fact, it’s not so much a question of if — it’s when. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), nearly 1 in 2 sexually active people will acquire an STI by age 25, and most STIs are asymptomatic, which means many people never know they’ve had one.

Learning how to talk about them openly and honestly helps us build safer, more connected, and more liberated intimate relationships. And I’ve found that the skills cultivated in these conversations positively impact communication in all of my connections - friends, family and beyond. 

 

Read: Putting An End To STI Stigma

 

 

Real-Life Safer Sex Talk 

Here’s the personal disclosure I use. It’s a model, not a standard - tailor it to fit your voice and needs. 

“I was last tested on March 14th for Gonorrhea, and Chlamydia in my vagina, anus and throat, Trichomonas via vaginal swab; and HIV, Syphilis, and Hep C via blood test. All were negative.

I have HSV 1/herpes that manifests around my mouth and lips. I take an antiviral and am in tune with my body when I’m getting an outbreak. My last outbreak was 1 month ago and I have been symptom-free for over a week.

I am positive for HPV strain 16.

I have several partners that have both HSV-1 and HSV-2 on their genitals. They are similarly in tune with their bodies and take antivirals, and I have never had any symptoms on my genitals.

I use barriers for penetrative sex except for one partner, and I do not use barriers for oral sex.

I am not on any form of hormonal birth control. I test my luteinizing hormone and track my cervical mucus to track my fertility. If a condom were to break and I were to get pregnant, I would get an abortion.”

This kind of comprehensive disclosure is not a requirement—it’s a template you can draw from, tailoring it to your own comfort, boundaries, and communication style.

 

What to include in an STI Talk 

1. When were you last tested? 
2. What were you tested for? BE SPECIFIC  
3. It’s impossible to test for every STI, and a “standard panel” differs place to place 
4. “I was tested” - could mean many different things 
5. Where on your body were you tested? 
6. Some STIs are site specific. For example, you can be positive for gonorrhea in your throat, but be negative in a urine sample or vaginal swab 
7. What are your current known positives? 
8. What are the known positives of your partners if any?
9. What are your safer sex practices? 
10. Including pregnancy plan (for PIV sex) 
11. Do you use barriers and if so, for what sexual acts? 
12. For example: “I use condoms for penetrative sex but not for oral sex”  

*Pro tip: Keep screenshots of your most recent test results accessible on your phone 

 

Importance of Language 

 

Avoid:

❌ “I’m clean.”

This implies that people with STIs are “dirty,” which reinforces shame and stigma.

Use instead:

✅ “I tested negative for…”

✅ “My results were non-reactive.”

 

Avoid:

❌ “Safe sex”

There’s no such thing as totally safe sex—only safer choices.

Use instead:

✅ “Safer sex”

 

Avoid:

❌ “STD” (sexually transmitted disease)

The term “disease” carries heavier stigma and doesn’t account for infections that are asymptomatic.

Use instead:

✅ “STI” (sexually transmitted infection)

A more accurate and inclusive term that reflects a broader range of conditions.

 

Avoid:

❌ “I use protection”

This phrase can be vague and assumes shared understanding of what “protection” means.

Use instead – be specific:

✅ “I use condoms for vaginal and anal sex, but not oral.”

✅ “I use gloves for manual play and switch between partners.”

✅ “I don’t typically use barriers, but I’m open to discussing what would feel good for both of us.”

 

Avoid:

❌ Labeling people as “high-risk” because they have multiple partners

This frames people as the risk, rather than their practices, and can reinforce stigma around non-monogamy.

Use instead – focus on behaviors:

✅ “I’d love to understand your safer sex practices and testing routines.”

 

Risk Tolerances and Boundaries 

Boundaries can shift based on context. After a disclosure, it’s totally okay to re-evaluate what you’re available for. Different people have different risk tolerances and STI statuses. What’s not okay is shaming someone for either.

Reminder: There is still so much pleasure to be found with a gloved hand or a dental dam.

Advocating for Comprehensive Testing at the Doctor 

When asking for STI testing, you may need to push for more than a urine test. 

What I typically request:

1. Gonorrhea & Chlamydia – Vaginal, anal, and throat swabs 
2. Remember these are site specific 
3. HIV – Blood test
4. Syphilis – Blood test
5. Hepatitis B & C - Blood test  
6. Less common: Ureaplasma and mycoplasma 
7. Don’t be surprised if you get a blank stare when you ask for this - a lot of places don’t test for it yet 

Routine testing matters.

Many providers will only offer testing when you have symptoms or report a known exposure. But most STIs are asymptomatic, and testing isn’t just reactive—it’s preventative care.

I recommend testing every 3–6 months if you:

1. Have multiple sexual partners
2. Engage in group play
3. Explore new or high-friction types of sex
4. Don’t use barriers with more than one person

Even once a year is better than not at all.

Tips if you get pushback:

1. Ask them to document “denial of testing” in your chart
2. Use the phrase “I have sex with men who have sex with men” to navigate medical gatekeeping (unfortunate, but often effective)

Herpes (HSV) Stigma 

I have herpes. So do many of my partners. Statistically, you probably do too.

In my opinion, the stigma is far more harmful than the virus itself. The shame and misinformation surrounding herpes often prevent people from getting educated, tested, or talking openly with partners — and that silence does more damage than the infection ever could.

Let’s break down some facts:

Herpes blood tests can return false positives, especially in people without symptoms or with low risk of infection. Because of this, the CDC does not recommend routine HSV testing for asymptomatic individuals, and the FDA has issued warnings about high false-positive rates for HSV-2 blood tests (CDC, 2022, FDA, 2021).

I used to insist push my doctors to get a blood test — until I learned how flawed the results can be. Now, I focus more on ongoing conversations, symptom awareness, and body literacy, which I find to be much more effective tools for navigating risk and intimacy.

According to the World Health Organization, 67% of people under 50 worldwide have HSV-1, which is most commonly oral herpes but can also be transmitted genitally (WHO, 2015).

In the United States, about 1 in 6 adults have HSV-2, which typically causes genital herpes (CDC, 2023).

Most people with herpes don’t know they have it — up to 90% of people with HSV-2 are unaware of their infection (ASHA), and most transmissions occur from people who are asymptomatic or unaware of their status (CDC Herpes Fact Sheet).

Personally, I feel safer with partners who know they have herpes and talk about it. They tend to be more body-aware, more informed about transmission windows, and more proactive about protection. That’s the kind of intimacy I want — not one based on shame or secrecy, but on honesty, embodiment, and care.

 

Get To Know: Salve - Naturally Soothe Symptoms of HSV

 

Human Papillomavirus (HPV) Real Talk

Let’s be real: HPV is incredibly common. Most sexually active people will contract it at some point in their lives — and most will clear it naturally without ever knowing they had it.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), nearly everyone who is sexually active will get HPV at some point if they aren’t vaccinated (CDC, 2022).

In most of the world, testing for HPV in people with penises is extremely limited. There’s currently no FDA-approved HPV test for people with penises, and most carriers are asymptomatic, which means they can transmit the virus without knowing (CDC HPV FAQs).

For people with cervixes, Pap smears and HPV tests are essential tools for detecting precancerous changes caused by high-risk strains of HPV. These screenings are a critical part of preventing cervical cancer and are typically recommended every 3–5 years depending on age and test type (American Cancer Society, 2020).

The immune system clears most HPV infections within 9–12 months, particularly the low-risk types that do not cause cancer or warts (National Cancer Institute).

While there’s no universal guideline about disclosure, I do advocate for sharing your HPV status in STI conversations — if you know it. It’s not about fear, it’s about cultivating connection, awareness, and informed choice. 

 

Safer Sex Practices 

Gloves can be hot  

Dental dams are underrated.

A lot of people use condoms for penetrative sex, but not for oral sex and think they are still protected from STIs. However there are many STIs that are transmitted orally - know your personal risk tolerance and be specific when discussing barriers. 

When to Talk About STIs

Good times to have STI convos: 

Before new types of play

When starting connections with new people

After a new diagnosis or potential exposure

Avoid the heat of the moment if possible—sexual arousal is a mind-altering state. Try to have these conversations before getting busy!

Texting 

I advocate for using text to have these conversations if it helps you feel more grounded.

It can help you be vulnerable if you are really nervous 

It gives the other person time to respond vs. react 

It can mitigate feeling frozen with inaction because of fear of the other person’s reaction 

In Person 

If you do it in person, choose a space that’s low pressure and conducive to calm dialogue. 

*Pro tip: Pair disclosures with desire: “I’m excited to explore this with you—and I’d love to talk about how we can make it feel good and safe for both of us.”

 

Ways to Initiate the Conversation 

“I’d love to talk about what safer sex looks like for you so we can enjoy pleasure together.”

“I care about our connection and want to make sure we’re on the same page about sexual health. Are you open to dropping in about it?”

“What’s your usual practice around STI testing and sexual health communication?”

If you are afraid of how someone might react, this can be a good temperature gauge - if the person gets judgemental or doesn’t have an answer - it tells you a lot and you might decide it doesn’t feel right to be vulnerable about your own status 

These don’t have to feel clinical. They can be tender, flirty, and curious. Normalizing the convo is part of changing the culture.

 

Disclosing after an Exposure 

Beyond having these conversations before sharing intimacy, sometimes it is necessary to inform past partners of potential exposure. 

Once again I’ll advocate for resourcing yourself first as fear of shame and stigma can be really dysregulating. Make sure you take time to ground and regulate before attempting a disclosure conversation.

Again, I’ll also underline texting as a powerful tool. It lets you plan what you are going to say and give space to the other person to have a reaction that isn’t in your face. 

Sometimes even if you give a “perfect” disclosure, someone may react in a painful way or reject you. Rejection sucks and can be super painful. It can also be a gift - if someone receives a disclosure poorly, maybe that’s not someone you want to have sex with in the future.

 

Read: Tips For Supporting Someone With A New Diagnosis

 

Receiving a Disclosure 

Reassurance goes a long way: “Thank you for telling me. I think it’s really courageous” 

Curiosity is key: 

"Can I ask some questions so I can understand more?"

If you feel activated or unsure, that’s okay. It’s also okay to take a break, research more, and come back to the conversation. What's important is responding with empathy, not shame. 

"I’d like to take some time to think about this."

Anecdote: I had a date with a lover after his first herpes outbreak on his genitals. The thing he has said made the biggest difference was me expressing that I still desired him sexually. “I’m bummed we can’t have PIV sex, but I’m still very excited to make out and roll around with our clothes on.” 

Normalizing these conversations can be hard AND it’s still essential to have them is part of changing the culture. 

Real Life Exposure Disclosure & Responses 

Disclosure : “Good morning dear. I hope you are well."

I just wanted to let you know that I was notified of an oral Gonorrhea exposure from November. I had a negative throat swab a couple days before I saw you but I have had a persistent sore throat this week with no other symptoms. The person that notified me is within our community so l assume it might be going around and just wanted to check in and see if you were experiencing any symptoms and recommend getting tested.

I think I'm going to go to urgent care today and get tested so I will keep you in the loop.

Here to chat further if you would like and welcome any feelings this might bring up.” 

Responses 

“Thanks for letting me know. I was tested on _____ for _______ and it came back negative. I understand that doesn't completely rule out infection. I appreciate your effort to be safe and communicate.”

“Thank you so much for letting me know. I am, as always, in awe of your integrity! It's time for me to get tested anyway so I will make sure my practitioner knows about this and tests for it.”

“Hi, thank you for the clear and kind messaging. I appreciate your proactive communication!” 

Practice Helps

One of our key takeaways: these conversations are a skill. And like any skill, they get easier the more we practice.

The first time I talked about HPV in my instagram stories I had to hide under my covers for a full day with a full blown vulnerability hangover. 

I now regularly talk about my sexual health on the internet with very little nervousness. 

Ways to build comfort:

1. Say the words out loud in the mirror
2. Practice with a trusted friend
3. Journal about your STI values and boundaries

 

Final Thoughts 

The incomplete conversation and subsequent STI exposure that caused a painful rift with close friends was one of the hardest experiences of my life. And it became one of the most powerful.

That rupture led me to this path—teaching people how to have real, clear, conversations about sexual health. What began in grief opened doorways to deeper intimacy, empowerment, and profound pleasure in my life and relationships.

You don’t have to be perfect to have these conversations. You just have to be willing. Every time you show up with honesty and care, you help create a culture where connection thrives.

Recommended Rituals: 

Soak & Destress: A few drops of Tonic in a warm bath can help you relax and destress while soothing external discomfort.  SHOP TONIC

Related Reading

Herpes Simplex Virus: What you Need to Know

How To Prepare For Your OB/GYN Appointment Like An OB/GYN

My Herpes Story: From Naive Teen to Empowered Sex Worker to Multi-Business Runner

The 3 Most Important Factors in All Open Relationships